Hmmm?

This morning I wondered this...

Do you think God gets mad at people who only seem to mention him at random times? Like when someone wins an award at a show? Or when someone is going through a hard time? Like I wonder if folks realize the big guy knows when you are being disingenuous? It's weird when you see someone like super spiritual when something happens, but like the other 99.8 percent of the time you would NEVER know they were...I guess it's just weird when I see celebrities (and even weirder with FB friends) giving God "shout outs" but ONLY when they need/want/after something happens but never on a consistent "just to say I love him" basis...

Truth be told I am not sure I believe my idea of God matches other people I know...I think he's non-exclusionary, loves everyone, and so much more than anyone or a single religion could EVER truly understand or comprehend (but that's just me, I am not super religious)

Guarding your heart...

One thing that I have accepted as a universal truth is that nobody wants to be hurt. We may be one of those people that love the idea of someone being in love or we could be one of the folks that thinks the very idea of love or being in love with someone is a completely assinine or illogical concept. Here’s what I do know. There is almost NOTHING worse than that feeling when “love” goes horribly wrong. Maybe you have been lucky, maybe you have never known that feeling (and kudos to you) but the rest of us remember that time, that place, that person that caused us to question what we thought we knew, that incident that was so disappointing where you can’t even began to see how it is fair that you went through it. The pain that comes when things go wrong, holy shit it hurts. Dammit that shit hurts…
So what happens next?
How do we respond?
I think people do a number of things. I think when you have a bad relationship or maybe even just a bad experience there is a reaction. Some people chalk it up to “they weren’t meant for me,” they recover and then in the appropriate time (or in some cases way too early) they want to jump back in to the deep end and are ready to experience their ideal relationship (everyone doesn’t look forward to getting married and having kids people, there are other situations that people look forward to, i.e. moving in together, having a kid and not be married, having a partner, whatever).
The people that cause me concern are the ones (and I am DEFINITELY including myself in this category) are the people that have an adverse reaction to love gone wrong. What exactly are you supposed to do when you are with someone that puts you through some crazy shit and you move on (or try to) to someone else? People give these cliche ridden answers that they got on Oprah or some book they read but you know what? I think all that mess is some crap. You explain to someone that believes in, or loves, or even really cares about someone else why they should have to feel like crap because someone wanted to be an idiot or a selfish bastard. Truth be told I have been on BOTH sides of this equation so I think I am more than qualified to say that. So after all that you are left with questions that require hard answers…
1. Someone is married to someone else that doesn’t love them the same way and wants out…(yeah it might be easy to judge them in your head but do YOU have to go explain to your parents and loved ones that you chose badly and that you are going to leave this person, who gets custody, where you are going to live, so on and so forth and you see how something that seemed as simple as “I don’t want this anymore” Just became complicated as crap)?
2. Someone gets into the next relationship after the last one ends on a bad note. You have this new person you are with and they seem nice, but you just are still a little pissed at how things went last time and they are on DEFCON 5 alert for the first signs or hint that this new person could bring drama to the table…(yeah it is super easy to say get over your ex, or maybe you should wait until you are ready, or just don’t be so paranoid, and just like my last example that is great advice when it is not your situation we are talking about or if the new person has a lot of potential as someone you could be with or hell, maybe they just put the damn thing down in bed, but my whole point is that it isn’t as simple as a simple piece of advice)…
Anyway I could list scenarios all day but it seems to me that guarding your heart is a lot more complicated than anybody really gives it credit for. I have friends who I really care for that are dealing with a “guarded heart” in one way or the other and I find myself sad sometimes when we speak because more often than not I have been where they are (emotionally) and there is nothing simple about it. There isn’t a specific way to deal with the issues that come up. The only thing that lends me encouragement is that I know that it’s possible to work your way through almost anything because I have had to do it. I think the human heart is capable of working through a great number of emotions and feelings but at some point there has to be a choice of whether or not we want to let it. I think everyone makes a decision as to what they want to do…but I just think if we aren’t careful we can find out one day that maybe we didn’t have to suffer quite as much, hurts as long as we did, maybe there was potential to move on and experience all that we could have missed, but we spent so much time with our heart guarded that we never found out…

My thoughts on religion, sex, and love (7/7/2011)

(Religion)
So finally today the top of my brain has exploded from having so many thoughts in it and now I feel like I just need to pour my inner thinking out and here it goes:
I don’t understand Christianity. There are so many things that I love about the religion in general, but there are a couple of things that really trouble me. One of the biggest issues that I have is the seemingly overwhelming disdain for anybody that is not in a “traditional” relationship. Specifically this problem with gay marriage. Seriously I really do not get it. Why are gay people so threatening to this religion. I don’t understand how you can say “Love thy neighbor” and “Judge not lest ye be judged,” and then turn around and tell someone oh by the way you are going to hell AND your marriage (partnership or however you choose to define it) should not be officially recognized the way you choose to recognize it. Now I don’t want to pigeonhole EVERY Christian because I know some really progressive and smart ones but as a general rule this seems to be the prevailing feeling from the majority that I know and it really really really bothers me. If the gay marriage thing wasn’t enough to bother me, I don’t like the mentality that everyone who doesn’t believe in what you do must be wrong. I find myself wondering everyday what would happen if you died tomorrow and realized that “religion” and a “higher power” was really a combination of so many things. What if you find out that all of the people that believe in higher powers but just not under the guise of Christianity were all right? I think God is so much bigger and so much more multi-faceted than anyone could have ever imagined. I am not sure about “organized religion” because I feel like any belief that you have is a personal relationship that you have. I am not really sure going to a church or a certain school makes much of a difference because I think it’s more about what is in your heart and your personal relationship. Finally, I can see how a lot of people who don’t live in this country can foster such a hatred for the term “Christians” because when they look back at history there have been more wars, more killing, more bad things that have happened under the heading of someone who was supposed to be a “Christian.”
So all that being said, I said that these were going to be my thoughts on religion and I just started with Christianity because it probably is the most dominant religion on the planet, but as far as every other religion there are a lot of things that I like about other belief systems, I like certain tenets of Buddhism and so many other ones my hand would hurt naming them. I think there are a lot of positive things that you can pull from all of the religious systems that people believe in. I think that in some way they all might be right in certain ways. I really do believe in God, but I just think he is more all encompassing of everyone and certainly more loving, more accepting, and honestly I just don’t feel like the big guy can be confined to just one set of beliefs. I think everyone is certainly entitled to their opinions but today I felt like putting mine out there :)

(Sex)
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Pretty much the most interesting, debated, hated, misunderstood, confused, and talked about three letter word (outside God) in the world. Sex is something that literally dominates my thought process as a male and it seems to dominate the thought process of a lot of other people as well (considering the last three commercials that I saw on tv as I wrote this were either for male enhancement or something that involved having a beautiful woman pitch a product). Sex is a topic that has the potential to be a much more talked about topic but people seem to shy away from it so much and push it under the rug that one day it seems to just creep up on them and then they are forced to deal with it (whether they are prepared to deal with it or not). I just don’t understand why sex is such a taboo subject? Why are people so darn repressed when it comes to sex? I wish people talked about it more because I love learning what people think when it comes down to it (sex). You know its funny, I went to two universities (so far) for college and they were “Christian Colleges” and really I almost want to go back in retrospect and rename them “Orgy towns.” Now I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, but I thought and found it hilarious because I thought these would be the last places in earth for all these crazy things, but then again should I have really been surprised? You know what they say about pastor’s kids lol…
I think a lot of problems that people run into in terms of relationships would be averted if they had spent more time getting to know the things that they like and or curious about sexually. Now am I saying you need to sleep with everyone in sight? That probably is not going to turn out to be the best idea, but then again it probably is a good idea to at least put yourself out there and learn about the things that are going on so you can maybe avoid some pitfalls and heartache later. If I had a wish for EVERYONE it is that at some point in your life you go and have some MIND BLOWING, EARTH SHATTERING, TOE TINGLING, GOOD ASS (no pun intended) SEX. It’s ok, enjoy yourself, but hey it’s just my opinion…

(Love)
Love.
Raise your hand if you have a firm understanding on what the heck that word means. Ok I know three of my friends who immediately raised their hands (and they know who they are), now for the REST OF US who don’t have a firm understanding on this crazy ass emotion I just want you to know you aren’t the only one. I am a grown man and I feel like maybe after 26 years I am having the very beginnings of an what the word might mean, but a true grasp of the concept? No earthly idea. I have never really seen a healthy loving relationship that lasted in my short time on this planet so far. I kind of equate my feelings on God to my feelings on love. I think people take a concept, a feeling if you will and try to condense a broad, overreaching concept and give it a simplistic definition and just try to run with it. The only thing I feel like I know about love is that the definition of it could just as well be “irrational” and I would be cool with it. I don’t think there is an easy way to encompass all of what love is (and all of what it can be in a simple definition). I don’t think loves follows rules, I don’t think relationships (being in one, not being in one) dictate it and I don’t really think you can control. I think love is like water. It can simply mold itself to fit any number of circumstances and it can bring life and it can destructive enough to shatter one and leave it in pieces…so there you have it. Today…that’s what I think about love.

What do you believe in? Fate? Destiny? Are certain folks meant to be in your life?

So here is what I want to know…
Do you believe in fate? Why/Why not?
Is destiny a real thing? Why/Why not?
Are certain people meant to be in your life no matter what?
I need answers. Let’s see what you guys got!!!

A conversation with an angel...(Daddy and his Kayleighbear)

Backstory...as many of you know I recently lost my babygirl and have been in a weird emotional state ever since she passed away. I have dealt with the situation the best way I know how but I think this has been more of me just deciding not to deal with the situation. I miss my daughter more than words or feelings could ever adequately describe. All I have ever wanted to do was bring a little boy and a little girl into this world. Gabriel was everything a dad could want, but I still wanted a little girl and I eventually got her...so fast forward through tragedy and the only thing that makes me depressed is seeing dads that have the opportunity to dote over their daughters and the constant thought about the little princess that she would have grown into...

So a couple of days ago it was the anniversary of a young lady that passed away that I went to school with. She just so happened to be best friends with a young lady named Beth that I really have grown to love since I initally met her. Beth referred to a dream that she had in which she literally had a conversation with her friend that lasted literally for hours. There were some that probably didn't understand or maybe even doubted how such a thing could possibly take place but it actually made sense to me and I sat there thinking..."Man I wish I could have that sort of experience with my little girl." If I only knew what was in store for me later on that evening...

Describing this as best as I can:
We were in a well lit room and she was just talking to me. She was talking to me and telling me about things that had gone on with her. I can't tell you everything that she said but when I tell you it was comforting and magical. She was so pretty that I can't even do her justice. For the very FIRST time since her passing I actually had a measure of peace. She was so angelic and just reassured me that she was fine and ok. All I have ever wanted to know since she passed was that she was ok, how she would have looked older, and that she was fine and ok. When I tell you the dream was so vivid and real that I was able to wake up and then fall asleep back into it...it was like that. I know it might not seem like a big deal for other people that may read this, but the experience put some much needed peace in my soul and while I may not be ever 100 percent ok, for once in a year...I started to feel better...

That love thing part. 1

That love thing part. 1

(Full disclosure; I am what would best be described as an emotionally fragmented individual. My mom was raped and she decided to keep the baby and that is how I got here. I have NEVER seen an adult in a healthy “loving” relationship so I just want to lay all of that out there before I begin…)
What is it about love? What is it about being in love that make people so crazy and just borderline irrational? I feel like even as old as I am (26) I don’t have a healthy handle on what it is to actually love someone. Isn’t this something that you learn with time or something? You see so many people posting about “loving this” or “loving that” and you just sit and wonder sometimes about what it is exactly that they are feeling.
There are so many questions that I have about the subject such as:
1. How do you KNOW when you are in love with something?
2. How is the love different for people that you are just friends with?
3. Can you love more than one person at the same time?
4. Can love be instant? Or does it take a great deal of time?
5. Can it be harmful?
These are just my initial thoughts…I am sure more will come to mind later…

Yesterday...

So as many of you know yesterday was a day that seemingly the whole world changed. After a ten year manhunt American special forces (who may or may not have had Pakistani troops backing them up) finally caught and killed Osama Bin Laden. I remember sitting and watching my Facebook feed when a post from one of my friends said that we finally caught him. Now being the conspiracy theorist that I can sometimes be I was skeptical but as more and more news sources started to report the story, I just watched the tv in shocked as such as momentous occasion. The thing that caught me off guard was the reaction around the globe (not an exaggeration, because I have friends stationed in Italy and Korea). For the most part people seemed joyful because the first time since this war there was a slight hope for optimism that had evaporated more and more in the years since 9/11. However I noticed that a smaller group of people that I know asked a rather poignant question about how much we should really be celebrating the death of a man that was killed. Another thing that I guess you can say was alarming was how the operation took place and who was actually helping. When the news first broke it looked like we went in Pakistan with the help of their officials but as CNN and other news agencies started reporting later it seems like we pretty much got the intelligence and went and got the guy (sorry I find it pretty odd that this guy was holed up in a very affluent neighborhood in a house 8 times bigger than anything else around it, just miles from the capital of the country and with a military base just miles down the road. Seriously were they just ignoring the fact that the guy was there, cause it is starting to seem like that. So the part where we are now is what has changed? What is different about our world now? What does everyone think about what happened???

I have something to say...

I have a post waiting to write itself...

1 year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds...that is what a year consists of...

So it has been that long since I held my daughter in my hands. To be quite honest I wasn't the most emotionally stable person to begin with so waking up and realizing the horrible events of a year ago is not the way that you want to wake up in the morning. I remember it like it was yesterday...I woke up and played with her and talked to her as I did every morning and looked into those pretty eyes and rambled on about whatever was going on with my day so far...then I changed and fed her and pretty soon she was fast asleep...literally sleeping beauty come to life...then I started getting ready for work because I had her in the mornings and then I had to work at night. As I was getting ready to go downstairs to the car I heard the screams...then called 911...then paramedics came...then they started crying...she was pronounced dead...I called my mother...the tears came, the tears came, the tears kept coming. There was a funeral, there were news reporters, medical examiners, morticians, cards, flowers, just a blur that seemed like a neverending haze that I just wandered my way through....

People both near and far reassured me that things eventually get better. What do you do when a piece of you that was living is no longer? How do you get over something like that? I have this empty space in my heart that will never be filled. I have something that I loved more than anything that I ever had suddenly and cruelly ripped away from me. I wake up every morning and see the pics of her smiling at me all through the house and I just wonder why something like that had to happen. I have very RARELY prayed and asked the good lord above for any ONE thing, but the thing that I did always pray for was to be able to bring a healthy son and a healthy daughter into this world. He was gracious enough to give me the two desires of my heart and as soon as I found out she was coming I went in for surgery (to not have anymore kids) and I remember how excited I was for her to come...and when she came she was perfect. I had a princess and she was everything that a daddy could hope for. She had a few medical issues when she was born but she was tough as nails just like her daddy. I would just talk to her all the time and part of me is so grateful because I must have packed years of conversation into the few months that she was actually here...

So that brings us to present. I am sitting here a year later. I am staring at pictures of a beautiful princess all over my house and it's been...1 year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds...that is what a year consists of...I miss her. I really miss her and words can't accurately do the feeling in my heart justice but I really hope that I get to hold her just once more because I miss my princess. Daddy loves you Kayleighbear :)

"It" moments pt. (the coolest moment)

Gabriel.

Now Gabriel is just awesome. I spend most of my time with him and he is a funny little guy. I remember how scared I was when I first learned that I had a kid on the way (I was in school and I was so freaking scared because I got that feeling that you get when you know your world has just dramatically changed and you know you better start getting used to it) and he was so freaking cool to me when I got to see him for the first time. He has always been a talkative and noisy little person and I love every minute of it. He runs around with this mound of brown curly hair that seems to get longer and longer every single time I see him. He is always telling me about something new he has discovered or rubbing on my belly. I stare at him in those big 'ol brown eyes and just listen to him ramble on and on about whatever is on his mind (even if I don't understand what he's saying because he going on at a mile a minute but truthfully he doesn't even care as long as I say ok and look at him). It's weird seeing someone who is a mini you running around and sit and wonder if you were like that when you were his age. I love that little boy so much!!!

"It" moments pt. 4 (a one-of-a-kind moment)

Let me first start by saying that I am not the person that you go and talk to about why marriage is right for you. If you read any number of statistics it seems like a disaster waiting to happen. I know that sounds cynical but please understand I know probably two people EVER that got married and stayed married the whole time. I always told my self that I was going to take ONE SHOT at getting married, put everything that I had into it and if it worked then it did and if it didn't then oh well.


Now that we have that disclaimer out there I have to say that Amy is pretty freaking awesome. She is one of those people that will get behind you on something and will keep pushing you until you get to wherever your destination is. If you saw her personality and you saw mine you would just sit there scratching your head trying to figure out how the combination even works but it really does for whatever reason. I almost feel bad for her because she lives with a brat that never grew up and she just loves me anyway. Amy rocks because she is one of those people that is RELENTLESSLY optimistic like 98.6% of the time. It drives me absolutely bananas but she is always cracking jokes and just being silly like all of the time. I try to get her to be serious about things and it really is to no avail. She makes fart jokes, she farts, she laughs when I am talking about something important and she really never stops being silly. It would be pretty safe to say that we are polar opposites but for whatever reason it works for us. I am not sure there is another person on the planet that loves all of the random craziness that is me and still loves me the same way. She knows that I am crazy, bi-polar, spoiled, prone to temper tantrums and probably many other attributes and she loves me just the same and hangs in there regardless so yeah she is definitely one of those "it" moments of my life :)

"It" moments pt. 3 (an awesome moment)

Now college was awesome. No other word to explain it, it was just awesome. However there were a couple of people (and many more than I don't have the energy or strength to name) that made it that EXTRA special for it. Anna P., Victoria, Marquis, Wanda, Tim, and Nancy. So today I have been thinking about all of them extra hard so I figured there would be no better tribute to them than to write about them and tell they WHY I think they are so special and important to me...

1. Anna P. I loved this young lady from the very first moment I ever saw her. I knew she was awesome and special from the moment we met and I made sure that we were going to be friends whether she liked it or not. If it was ever possible for someone to "glow" it would be this young lady. I had never until this point met someone more opinionated and cerebral for lack of a better word. She was the first woman I can ever remember who was not content to accept what YOU thought she would be. She didn't care what you thought or expected because she was determined to question authority and the traditional ways people thought about things. If I could sum her up in a movie line "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." That literally describes her. I have two favorite moments that I shared with her. One she knows about and one she doesn't. We had a rave party at school and when she showed up in the schoolgirl get-up (and if you know ANYTHING about her personality you can see the humor in this) jaws dropped and we danced the night away like crazy people. But my favorite moment? She played the piano for me and sung. Hands down...it was amazing.

2. Victoria. Let's understand something. Her name is not Victoria to me. I ONLY call her that because that is what her name is (legally anyway) but to me she will always be my Vicky Secret. There are a couple reasons why I came up with that name, but that's who she is to me. She would always come bounding down the stairs in our residence hall (where I decided that the dorm couch was mine and mine alone to rule) and she didn't just walk anywhere she brought a WAVE of energy anywhere she went. The thing that made me love her more than anything else is the fact that she had the outgoing free spirit that I only dreamed of having. Every single time I saw her it was like a Lord of the Rings book or a Pirate of the Carribean movie come to life. To this day I am convinced that she has a time machine that she used to come from another era so that she could share her awesomeness with me. No matter what I was going through, no matter how my day went before she got there, she made it better by being there. She never asked me for anything in return but she always made me love seeing her :)

3. Marquis (Cloud): This is a case of someone that I have grown to love and appreciate after we had gotten out of school. The thing he will never know is how much I had already admired him even when we were in school. Have you ever seen someone who is so uniquely their own person? I never even knew how to just process him. I have never been the best at being (or making for that matter) friends so I had no idea how to tell him how much he rocks but he rocked. He has been so awesome and he set the standard for how to treat people and whether he knows it or not I have tried my best to treat people the way that he does and just appreciate the wonderful folks around you. I may not have gotten it right while we were in school, but you have helped me take the steps to get it right since then so for that I will forever be grateful.

4. Wanda: Wanda was my rock in school. She was my go to girl at all times. Ms. Jones was one of those rare friends that you make and you know that if the sh@# goes down around you she is going to be the person next to you ready for whatever. She was there for all of my good days and especially all of my bad ones. She drove me crazy because she would bang on my door whenever SHE woke up in the morning. Notice I said whenever SHE woke up. The first thing that I learned about her was that she has a voice that must have been handed down to her PERSONALLY from an angel. I loved being around her because she could sing about everything and just sounded incredible about doing it. Another thing that I learned about her was about relationships and how males and females relate to each other. She gave me a perspective, an insight if you will into what goes into female thinking. I loved having someone who I could bounce any idea off of an know I could get an answer that was credible. Most of all, Wanda was always there for me anytime I needed her in school and I will always appreciate that and I love her dearly because she was one of the few people I would ever consider a "best friend."

5. Tim: This guy was like James Dean come to life all over again. From the day that I met him he lived with a certain fearlessness and recklessness that bordered on insanity. Tim and I did some absolutely crazy things that people would not even believe if we told them. I loved him because dude was was the outlet that I needed in school to the crazy part of my personality. Tim was another one of those friends that never asked for anything and I always knew that I could ask him for any of everything and I always had 100 percent confidence that he would come through. Tim is always going to be my buddy and I hope he knows that. He is one of the very few who could ask me for anything and I would try my best to come through.

6. Nancy: You know what I loved about Nancy? The strawberry drinks (which I still don't know the name for) at Starbucks. I would let Nancy talk about whatever and she got me strawberry drinks. But my Starbucks habit aside, what I always loved and admired about Nancy was her drive. I have never seen anyone work so hard in school and she was one of the primary reasons why I started to bust my butt towards the end of my college career because this girl was HARDCORE about getting her schoolwork done and she was always coming and going. I still don't know if she ever went and slept during school. We became much closer after school for different reasons (she is one of my very best friends), but if I could point out something that influenced me while we were in school it would be how hard I always saw her work (and the Starbucks drinks).

"It" moments pt. 2 (a sad moment)

So I was wondering when I would write about what is obviously the most significant moment in my life so far to this point. I lost a little girl some time ago. I sit and think about her and I have reminders of her presence that seems like a lifetime ago and just yesterday if that makes any sense. I just don't even know how to begin processing the situation in my head. I think I was in such a rush to "deal with" the situation that I must have glossed over the days to the point where the whole situation is a haze. It is a really weird feeling to have a part of you just vanish and then have to deal with the hardness of your heart and soul after this happens to you. It's so weird because some days I don't really feel too much of anything and then there are days where the waterworks just don't stop because guys are not supposed to cry right? I am supposed to be tough and just get past the situation and I know in my head that's not true but I feel that way sometimes. I have pictures and reminders of her all around me but it almost feels like I am living someone else's story because I can't but help feel that this really isn't happening to me is it? The WORST thing that has emerged as a side effect of going through this is that I already was an emotionally crippled person to begin with because of various things that had occurred to me growing up so to open up my heart like I did for my little angel only to lose her makes a part of me bitter to the higher power that I know exists. Now I am not trying to pass this off as rational in the least but that is how I feel. I feel angry about the fact that my angel is no longer here and I am not sure I will ever be ok or whole again...

"It" moments pt. 1 (a bad moment)

Life is funny sometimes when you sit and think about the moments that shape you and the things that end up playing a role in your life... I was thinking about someone from college the other day and we were close once upon a time and I made the mistake of telling a lie and letting insecurity ruin a situation. I owe this person an apology and I really miss this person but I know that any hope of a friendship is completely out of the door. This normally wouldn't be a bad thing but this person is apparently close friends with so many people that I know so I get frustrated because I am too ashamed to apologize but I am never going to get a resolution to the situation. I wish I had the nerve to reach out because we know all of the same people but then you start to wonder how receptive the other party would be to you reaching out or if they would honestly ever care about anything you had to say anyway. I don't expect any special treatment but I would give anything to just apologize and be friends again but maybe that isn't possible and I guess sooner or later I am going to have to just accept the situation and just move on.