Ahhhhh so it is finally here. Everyone has that day on the calendar
that REALLY sticks out to them for whatever reason. For me the day that
stays ingrained in my memory is April 6th, 2010. That is the last day
that my little angel spent on this earth with her father. I remember the
whole day as if it were yesterday... It's really weird because it is
almost like everything was moving in slow motion and before I knew it
everything had dramatically changed in my life. I am not sure anyone
would confuse me for being the most spiritual person ever in life but I
remember only asking God for two things. I wanted to have a little boy
and a little girl. I remember the excitement that day in the doctor's
office when I found out that she was coming. I was so excited I went
ahead and scheduled my appointment to get "fixed" because I had gotten
the two things that I had always wanted...
(Brief interruption: I know it is amazingly awkward to read something like this and not ask "Well what happened to the baby?" without feeling like a total rude person and I get that so without going into morbid detail she went to sleep that day before I went to work and never woke up. From everything I know the doctor told me she "passed" in the most peaceful way possible)
So here we are...it has been two years...
1. I don't think I have really gotten "over" her passing because she was literally my favorite thing in life...ever. Imagine NEVER asking for anything and then getting the one thing that you wanted more than everything else. There is an emptiness there in my soul. I miss her so so so so so very much. It's really weird to wake up and your children wake up with you and then one day one of them isn't there. That shit stings. It really does.
2. There have been some positive developments because I have been able to make her a special area in the house where any visitor would immediately know her presence and what she meant to everyone. I don't know if I have ever seen a baby that more people thought of and spoiled more in such a short period of time. Literally I have rarely seen such an outpouring of emotion towards someone so tiny...but I always knew that if I had a daughter she was going to be amazingly special.
3. I guess if anything REALLY positive has happened since then is that I have really placed a larger emphasis on how I treat other people. Everyday it's like I literally SEARCH for ways to uplift people. Nobody really knows WHY I do this but there is a reason and if I can even do one thing to make someone feel better in a way it helps to make me feel better. I make sure that when I get that chance I make bags of food to pass out to the homeless around Portland. We are throwing a huge huge huge fundraiser to promote SIDS awareness at the local Pizza Parlor and hopefully we are going to make a ton of money to donate to this charity...
So here I am. It's 7:22 am.
I got a doctors appointment in an hour and a half.
I have to go and get some pink flowers from the store.
I have to the cemetery.
This is the toughest day of the year.
I am ready for this day to be over.
Ugh.
I miss my Angel.
I miss my Kaylieghbear.
Daddy ALWAYS thinks of you. ALWAYS.
That is where I am with it.
(Brief interruption: I know it is amazingly awkward to read something like this and not ask "Well what happened to the baby?" without feeling like a total rude person and I get that so without going into morbid detail she went to sleep that day before I went to work and never woke up. From everything I know the doctor told me she "passed" in the most peaceful way possible)
So here we are...it has been two years...
1. I don't think I have really gotten "over" her passing because she was literally my favorite thing in life...ever. Imagine NEVER asking for anything and then getting the one thing that you wanted more than everything else. There is an emptiness there in my soul. I miss her so so so so so very much. It's really weird to wake up and your children wake up with you and then one day one of them isn't there. That shit stings. It really does.
2. There have been some positive developments because I have been able to make her a special area in the house where any visitor would immediately know her presence and what she meant to everyone. I don't know if I have ever seen a baby that more people thought of and spoiled more in such a short period of time. Literally I have rarely seen such an outpouring of emotion towards someone so tiny...but I always knew that if I had a daughter she was going to be amazingly special.
3. I guess if anything REALLY positive has happened since then is that I have really placed a larger emphasis on how I treat other people. Everyday it's like I literally SEARCH for ways to uplift people. Nobody really knows WHY I do this but there is a reason and if I can even do one thing to make someone feel better in a way it helps to make me feel better. I make sure that when I get that chance I make bags of food to pass out to the homeless around Portland. We are throwing a huge huge huge fundraiser to promote SIDS awareness at the local Pizza Parlor and hopefully we are going to make a ton of money to donate to this charity...
So here I am. It's 7:22 am.
I got a doctors appointment in an hour and a half.
I have to go and get some pink flowers from the store.
I have to the cemetery.
This is the toughest day of the year.
I am ready for this day to be over.
Ugh.
I miss my Angel.
I miss my Kaylieghbear.
Daddy ALWAYS thinks of you. ALWAYS.
