Ahhhhh so it is finally here. Everyone has that day on the calendar that REALLY sticks out to them for whatever reason. For me the day that stays ingrained in my memory is April 6th, 2010. That is the last day that my little angel spent on this earth with her father. I remember the whole day as if it were yesterday... It's really weird because it is almost like everything was moving in slow motion and before I knew it everything had dramatically changed in my life. I am not sure anyone would confuse me for being the most spiritual person ever in life but I remember only asking God for two things. I wanted to have a little boy and a little girl. I remember the excitement that day in the doctor's office when I found out that she was coming. I was so excited I went ahead and scheduled my appointment to get "fixed" because I had gotten the two things that I had always wanted...

(Brief interruption: I know it is amazingly awkward to read something like this and not ask "Well what happened to the baby?" without feeling like a total rude person and I get that so without going into morbid detail she went to sleep that day before I went to work and never woke up. From everything I know the doctor told me she "passed" in the most peaceful way possible)

So here we are...it has been two years...

1. I don't think I have really gotten "over" her passing because she was literally my favorite thing in life...ever. Imagine NEVER asking for anything and then getting the one thing that you wanted more than everything else. There is an emptiness there in my soul. I miss her so so so so so very much. It's really weird to wake up and your children wake up with you and then one day one of them isn't there. That shit stings. It really does.

2. There have been some positive developments because I have been able to make her a special area in the house where any visitor would immediately know her presence and what she meant to everyone. I don't know if I have ever seen a baby that more people thought of and spoiled more in such a short period of time. Literally I have rarely seen such an outpouring of emotion towards someone so tiny...but I always knew that if I had a daughter she was going to be amazingly special.

3. I guess if anything REALLY positive has happened since then is that I have really placed a larger emphasis on how I treat other people. Everyday it's like I literally SEARCH for ways to uplift people. Nobody really knows WHY I do this but there is a reason and if I can even do one thing to make someone feel better in a way it helps to make me feel better. I make sure that when I get that chance I make bags of food to pass out to the homeless around Portland. We are throwing a huge huge huge fundraiser to promote SIDS awareness at the local Pizza Parlor and hopefully we are going to make a ton of money to donate to this charity...

So here I am. It's 7:22 am.
I got a doctors appointment in an hour and a half.
I have to go and get some pink flowers from the store.
I have to the cemetery.
This is the toughest day of the year.
I am ready for this day to be over.
Ugh.
I miss my Angel.
I miss my Kaylieghbear.
Daddy ALWAYS thinks of you. ALWAYS.

That is where I am with it.

Make Kony Famous in 2012!!!

Who is Joseph Kony?

Joseph Kony is the world’s worst war criminal. In 1987 he took over leadership of an existing rebel group and renamed it the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA).
The LRA has earned a reputation for its cruel and brutal tactics. When Joseph Kony found himself running out of fighters, he started abducting children to be soldiers in his army or “wives” for his officers. The LRA is encouraged to rape, mutilate, and kill civilians–often with blunt weapons.
The LRA is no longer active in northern Uganda (where it originated) but it continues its campaign of violence in Democratic Republic of Congo, Central African Republic, and South Sudan. In its 26-year history, the LRA has abducted more than 30,000 children and displaced at least 2.1 million people.

What is the goal of KONY 2012?

Invisible Children has been working for 9 years to end Africa’s longest-running armed conflict. U.S. military advisers are currently deployed in Central Africa on a “time-limited” mission to stop Kony and disarm the LRA. If Kony isn’t captured this year, the window will be gone.

We are taking action to ensure these two things:

1) That Joseph Kony is known as the World’s Worst War Criminal.
2) That the U.S. military advisers support the Ugandan Army until Kony has been captured and the LRA has been completely disarmed. They need to follow through all the way and finish what they have started.

Why are we making Joseph Kony "famous"?

Invisible Children’s KONY 2012 campaign aims to make Joseph Kony famous, not to celebrate him, but to raise support for his arrest and set a precedent for international justice. In this case, notoriety translates to public support. If people know about the crimes that Kony has been committing for 26 years, they will unite to stop him.

Secondly, we want Kony to be famous so that when he is stopped, he will be a visible, concrete example of international justice. Then other war criminals will know that their mass atrocities will not go unnoticed or unpunished.

When being "friends" suddenly gets hard...

So this is not going to be one of those nice conversations.
There will be some bad words used.
Some old wounds torn open.
But I have to let my words speak for my heart and what is going on in it...

What the fuck man? Why is being "friends" so hard now? I swear in Middle and High School the shit was mad simple but now as a 27 year old adult this shit is borderline maddening...but perhaps I should explain myself a little better...

So I am sitting here the other day just basically taking a mental inventory of my friendships the other day and just examining if you will where I stood with the people that are most important to me...

And then something stuck out...some of my friendships were solid as the day they were forged and some of them have so many conditions on them you would wonder if you were observing whether or not we were even friends. Confused yet? I will give you examples.

One of my best friends is still living in the tiny town near our school. I am not sure if I could ever do her justice by describing her. Like I knew from the moment I met her that we were always going to be cool. The only problem? I didn't realize that she was one of my very best friends until I had moved 6000 miles away...and now it hurts just a little inside because we had all the time in the world (2 years) to really work on being awesome friends (which we were to a degree) but we never did...blame our relationships...social life...schoolwork...jobs...whatever...but the opportunity was forever wasted and it is so hard to forgive myself for that. Like to this day she has been one of only 3 or 4 people that I can talk  to about anything...and I mean anything...and I totally fucked up by not being the friend that I could have been.

Then there is my other friend who...well we just didn't get off to the best start. We will just say that. You ever have a situation where you have a chance to make an impression but you fuck it completely to shit? This is what went down. So without a full rehash of the story we didn't talk to each other for years...and then we just got back in contact and we get along really well...and this is someone I could talk to about almost anything...except...I still have issues concerning this person. So it is one of those situations where I just have a bunch of shit to say and I just haven't been able to...and texting or whatever won't cut it for what I need to say and every time I bury that shit something pops up and just makes it bad all over again. The really sad part? I can't even blame anyone because again...I had my chances to make the shit right and I didn't.

So the third and fourth friends will be forever intertwined together...and is wrong part of me wishes that shit never happened. Imagine two of YOUR bestfriends getting together. That is either going to go really well or turn into a fucking disaster. I will give you a wild guess what happened. So I went from being super close to both of them to things just being odd because they just turned into oil and water overnight (unless they are separated and then things go ok...until they try to mix again and then we are back to square one). I love them separately but together it is just...a fucking chaotic mess.

So we are halfway through this note and the four of my best friends from college all are close to me still...but not the way I want for various issues...and this has me BORDERLINE psycho...but wait I am not even done...

So here I am way out here in Portland Oregon...and I am trying to bring new folks into my life and start new friendships and things are nuts out here lol...

The person who is probably my best friend out here isn't really eligible to be any closer to me than she is. Is that her fault? Absolutely not. She loves sports, always is reliable, and has honestly never let me down. Ahhhh but there is a catch. She is the best friend to the Ms. So I can't talk to her about anything too serious or even anything too crazy cause I don't wanna put her in a bad position and I don't want to worry about her repeating anything I say you know....? So there is another one lol...

There are some other people I have gotten close to lately but I just dunno...everytime I reach out it's one thing or the other. Like I am just starting to wonder if maybe it's me. There are some REALLY wonderful people that I am starting to talk about on a regular basis but after all of the chaos listed above I just am scared I guess to even try anymore for fear or someone being fake towards me or me just screwing up.

Here is what I think I want in a friend...

I want cool people that I can be myself around...
Without having to edit every word that I say...
That actually are willing to listen for as much as they are willing to talk...
Can be reliable when it counts...
and are consistent with how they act...
and are not rude and obnoxious (to me at least lol) for no reason.

Is this too much to ask for???

I dunno. When did friendship get so hard...?

SN: There are some folks I left out. It was not intentional and don't take it that way. I just wrote about what I thought about tonight....

That weird thing called friendship...the bad, the great, and unexpected

Sooooooooo....friendship is a weird thing.

You have some that last...(the great ones)
You have some that don't...(the bad)
And then you have some that are just...unexpected (everything in between)

The bad.


I met a young lady through a mutual friend a couple of months ago and I REALLY thought that we could be really great friends. Everything was going along awesomely and then it's like a switch flipped and it just became unimportant for her to be my friend. It hurt so damn bad too because I am the type of person that really puts a lot of themselves into people they care about so to say that these last few months and the way things came to a close would be disappointing to say the least. I mean but what do you know? When someone makes it clear that you aren't important what are you supposed to do at that point? That shit hurt though.

The great...

There aren't many people I love. I just don't think I am a really emotionally attached person but there are a couple of people that I have met that just have such perfect timing as far as when we talk to each other...

Anna (my lady A). For some strange reason we get each other. I don't know why exactly but we totally just...get each other. She is like a sweet southern belle and I am like the worst, most inappropriate guy ever but no matter how shitty things go in our lives when we talk you just kinda know that somewhere we were always meant to be friends. I think the thing that makes me appreciate her is that I don't have to waste time asking the things that I want to know. We just dive into the deep end and that is what it is...

Minnellis ("minnie" and she would murder me on sight for calling her that). Who knew? I mean I love this woman. She has always and will always be one of my favorite people because we are very alike in certain ways and very different in others. I can't even find words to describe why we "click" but we do. I think I live vicariously through her. When I need REAL advice. When I want to talk about the ugly side of relationships or things that I wouldn't feel comfortable speaking of to anyone else for fear of judgment she is the first name to come to my mind.

The unexpected...

There have been some recent people that I have begun to get closer to and it's really fun because they are so dramatically different from each other...

Julia...Like I have no idea why she is single. It is really cool cause she can always hang out and come to all my UFC events at BWW but she is like so sweet! We get along so well because she loves fashion (like seriously she has shopping issues lol) and REALLY love sports so we will always get along. Plus she might be the most reliable person on earth.

Victoria (the elf princess): I just love Victoria. I don't even really know why we get along so well, but I just love that woman lol...



And there are so many other folks that I am getting to know like Cloud, Brandi, Drea, Kimberly and Elizabeth and more so I am curious to see how things shake out you know? Anyway...I am tired of typing!